50 Yards

CURRENT TOTAL: $1,181 Thanks Bea!

For the rest of my life, I will walk half the length of a football field. There is a life time in those 50 yards. All my hopes, dreams, fears, with every step I take I trample them into the ground. I am at one end, and he, the man who promised for better and for worse, stands at the other. I know, and he does not. If I don’t go to him, do I get to keep my life? Do I get to pretend that 15 minutes ago everything I knew to be true didn’t change with 4 four short words?
My vision is telescopic and with every step, he grows further away. I can’t run. In order to run, one must be able to breathe, and I can’t seem to do that either. If he’s so far away, how come I can see him so clearly? Crossing the field, I am his worst nightmare come to life, but he doesn’t know it yet. How come I can’t reach him? How come, in the midst of 100 sweaty football players, all I can hear is my blood rushing? How hard does your heart have to beat before it just explodes in your chest?
Step. Step. Step.

How come I am still standing? How does a body continue to function normally when everything inside it is frozen? If I am so sad, why can’t I cry? How will I tell him what I know?

Step. Step. Step.

For the rest of my life I will make that journey, and in the next instant he is there. And I don’t have to tell him anything. And he wraps me up in his arms and I can breathe, and feel. My heart beats again. My ears hear the grunts and smack of football pads containing hot, heavy bodies. His arms tighten and his head lays on top of mine as if for just a minute he can keep the nightmare from engulfing both of us. If I don’t say anything, maybe it will forget about me, and go somewhere else, anywhere else but here.

But I do open my mouth.
“We have to talk,” I say.

And once again four words is all it takes to tear apart a future.

Comments

[Kim]

That was one of the most powerful and breathtaking things I've ever read. I just learned of your site yesterday, and I'm so glad I did! Thanks to Kelly and Misty for the link.

[Suzanne]

me too *sniff* Keep up the good work sistah! I love to read your stuff even when it makes me cry!

[Nattie-dahling]

I told you to stop making me cry. I'll be cutting birthday cake today & they'll be asking me why my eyes are so puffy & red!!!!

[Maria]

*tears* *tears* and more *tears*

[Becky S]

Dana, through your blog I've come to have a lot of respect for your husband. A friend of mine was diagnosed 2 years ago, and the cancer ultimately ended her 15 year relationship. It's inspiring to know that there are those who understand the true meaning of "in sickness and in health; for better or for worse."

[Jojo]

Again with the crying... knock it off. Go back to making fun of my music. *sniff*

[Tiff]

Beautiful! I love your writing

[Stacey]

*sniff*

[AGK]

*Shivers*

[Becky]

Dana, that had to be so hard. What a tremendous blessing from God Craig is to you!!